I'm in my fourth clerkship now of 3rd year, and now we are scheduling rotations for 4th year. We are somewhat forced about now to make a decision about what we want to do for residency. I run into my classmates all the time, and it seems as though it is all we talk about to one another is what specialty we want and how we are going to schedule next year. When people ask me what I've decided, I have an answer for them. Neurology. (We'll get to this choice later). The irony of this whole situation disturbs me because while I feel most of my classmates are struggling with these questions of what specialty and how to schedule, I am struggling with different questions. Was medicine the right decision for me? Would I have been happier if I did something else? Why am I not happy now? Oh wait, I know the answer to that last question. In spite of my large expectations three years ago of having my life figured out by now, I really have not made any progress.
While I was on surgery, my resident pulled me aside one day in rounds to yell at me, and he asked me, "so are you just going through the motions here or what?" Although I rather angrily disagreed with him at the time, I am starting to wonder if I really am. Up to this date, I have not liked medical school. Sure, it has had its ups, but its mostly been down. And this year, 3rd year, the year that is supposed to give you the best taste of what it is really like, has been rather disappointing. Instead of devoting more time to studying, I am searching for things to do outside of school to make me happy (usually without success). Here I am in my 4th clerkship, and I have not been on a service that has blown me away, and now I'm praying I find something that rewards me with catharsis.
So the neurology question. Why have I picked this? This is what I saw myself becoming before I came into school. This subject is the most interesting to me, but I haven't even been on the clerkship yet. Other than that, I have no basis for the decision. I am hoping now that I have been right all along.